round 1,540, 310.00

Maybe I have to accept that the flow, the yo~yo is part of my life. And while I am way past the age and mentality of radical “dieting”, staying even keel is tough. My body fluctuates more than the wind changes directions.

I’m nearly certain I am wheat intolerant, so in order to feel better I truly need to stay away from that gunk.  However unlike my family relations, It’s not a dire do or die issue. Just a comfort thing.

I quit Irish Dance Studio due to truly a lack of instruction and intense disgust every-time I left class and dread that morning I woke up on the day of class.

I’ve quit pole. I love Pole, I love Hoop. However at 100.00 a month and a 30 min drive to and 30 min drive back, that became redundant to along with lack of classes and space the studio I went to offered.

I quit running when I took care of my dad and now the weather has turned.

I quit hiking because I’m taking care of my dad.

I have quit way to much and I’m pretty unhappy about it it.  My Navy son showed me some PT drills that the FMTB unit does and I’m working on those and my love for Hula~Hoop. I found a new Irish Dance Studio in Fairborn that I will pick up in January. Pole…well I really don’t know.  I’ve actually taken mine down and I’m considering selling it.  But I doubt I will. I love pole. But if you don’t have a private room, kids and people can be kind of a mood killer and a bother when they all are just hanging around or in and out of the house.

I also plan on buying a monthly pass next week to a Studio Zumba and picking up classes. I may after that join for a month at CrossFit.  My husband I had went to a  climbing center and we both LOVED IT, however my husband has a very low tolerance for working out, after workout pain and has random debilitating physical issues that come from nowhere or something simple that knocks him out for a week. I can’t rely on him at all.

Maybe it’s my short lived interest and boredom for things, or inconvenience. I will say working near 40 hours does indeed damper your workout time and availability.  So it leaves it to this, DIET. What you eat.  I’ve been paying for WW (weight watchers) online style and really only used it a week solid for almost 3 mths.  So that was my goal, starting this past monday to track and be faithful and honest to my WW and pull it together.  I’m not happy. I’m not happy at all. I have clothes that don’t fit and I have no money nor do I want to buy larger clothes.

It’s past time. I’m pretty disgusted.

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5K Pumpkin Run…errrr….both maybe

The Start! And the back of what my shirt looks like
The Start! And the back of what my shirt looks like

Well, today was the day.  I didn’t exactly give up on the Couch to 5K, however I’ve been working daily for a family member and have had many things going on and like usual, put myself on the far back burner than turned off. That’s where I have been.

I didn’t figure I would run the entire 5k, which is a hair thickness over 3 miles.  Last I had ran was 10 min, and that was my max. Then the app got put in a dusty corner.

The process was a learning one at that. A detour and changed directions made it over an hour long. Long line to the parking, long line at registration. My run wave was 10:10 am.I finished up registration at 10:02, attempted the porta potties to find that to had even a longer line. After an hour drive, a small bladder. I had to pee. I figured maybe I’d sweat it out and left the area and just as I got to the start line, (remember this part) it was 10:10.

After I crossed, I ran. Now being toward the backish area is sorta nice, passing everyone comes easy, lot’s of walkers.  It finally evened out and I thought….you know, fuck this. I’ll just walk I won’t finish anyways. And it was then a song came on my playlist. Now it’s not the song lyrics that remind me of my NavySailor, maybe it’s part of the words, the instrumental and it was then it hit me….My son will likely see combat zone.  He’s headed to fmtb training. And I know he will be a FMF (Field Medic Fleet”, He will head the “Greenside” soon with the marines.  FMTB is not given to anyone, it’s a sought after and often denied training my Navy Sailors won’t get.  My son didn’t set out for it. He was chosen and offered this. One I’ve heard you don’t turn down, it’s considered an honor for a corpsman to be chosen for FMTB. For a mom, it’s a little of both, honor and intense fear. You see my Navy Sailor didn’t do sports, he is by far the most compassionate loving kid I’ve ever known.  He took care of me when I was pregnant with Eric, helped every way a 5 year old could.  He avoided sports because he avoided conflict. Now my sailor will likely not just see conflict, but live it.  I thought in the those moments when my knees, hips and back were saying “fuck you Angie”, it was him, Missing him, proud of him, thinking of him overseas dressed in marines being their what they call “Angel in Green”, “Cheating Marine Death”. Before I knew it, I pushed passed and through that spot runners tell you.

And then I got really HOT.  I had layered completely wrong. Ughh. I had put a long heavy-ish sport shirt on, the white tshirt over and topped that with the new 5K shirt I got.  I started de-layering, than to realize that meant stripping down to sports bra.  Yep, I did it.  and just put my new 5 K on and was on my way.  Finished the mile run and decided to walk most of mile 2. Which was good, because there was steady incline and I didn’t feel like today was the day for my death. So I walked.  It was then Cat lady came up behind me. with a slow run that I could almost keep up with.  It was end of mile 2 that we began playing a friendly cat & mouse of run/walk, walk/run, pass each other, follow each other. She had this tail and I was determined that cat lady would not pass me.

this is "cat lady" on the left with all black and ears. You can't see her tail, but it's there.
this is “cat lady” on the left with all black and ears. You can’t see her tail, but it’s there.

At the beginning of 3, I spotted a American Flag and decided there I would start and finish the run.

"The Flag"
“The Flag”

As I got closer, I spotted a dressed up civil war guy with a sword. I had begun a run and he saluted ME!!!!!!!!!! haha…he said “Navy, your son”? Yes, sir. Corpsman soon to be Greenside. He yelled out “VERY GOOD, THANK HIM”  Apparently I didn’t even remotely have a military run, or was to old, either way, he knew it wasn’t me! haha.  I found it ironic he assumed it was a son, not a daughter. As I’ve saw many Navy Woman since Bradley entered the Navy.

Civil War Man who saluted me :)
Civil War Man who saluted me 🙂

Now, I wish I could say I ran the entire last mile. But I didn’t. But I also didn’t let “Cat Woman” get to far ahead.  We would trade passing and following. She was struggling it seemed like me.  We came upon the last leg which was just  more than single width. I found it annoying, so did cat lady. Once in a while we would pass people, or each other.  The rain had made the turns more like a swivel. “Cat Lady” was trying to pass a couple in front of us, but wouldn’t or wasn’t sure how. So I said “On your left” and she looked back a bit and I said “Go ahead”. Really hoping I didn’t give her the win. To me it was a race now. haha. I was actually grateful for cat lady, gave me someone on my level to keep up with or pace with.  As the trail widened, I had to take the lead. I saw the finish line and picked up.

I had finally finished.

My hands were FROZE to the bone so I went to my car to sit in the heat.  I sneezed and realized that my bladder tie up was not so tied up these days and let’s just say I should have stopped at the port~potty first. Out of my car, hit the restroom, found my friend, had some apple cider. Got some water, a 1/2 banana a free pumpkin and headed home.

My time was 45:22.2

I was 813 out of 1,699.

So now I have at least a baseline! And a cute lil’ medal for not dying.

My not dying medal
My not dying medal

While I didn’t run the whole 5K as I had planned. I didn’t quit. And sometimes quitting has beat me.  I went, with a friend, and decided I still was going to go my own pace to see how I did. And for that, is good enough for me right now.

my awesome NAVY hat, my medal and no clue how my anchor charm debuted! Oh, and My free pumpkin
my awesome NAVY hat, my medal and no clue how my anchor charm debuted! Oh, and My free pumpkin

Lay Low than BUST ASS

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I’ve been what I call a repeat offender of Weight Watchers for…….13 years approximately. And one things stays true is I love it. I love it because it makes sense. I love it because it works.  But I’ve never been a member, online.  After-all that’s what meetings are for and I do believe that meetings make people more successful.  After-all, nobody truly motivates me but myself and surfing online quotes that hit home.

Taking care of my dad daily now and being a mom has left my scheduled shaken up quite a bit and I really don’t know if I can guarantee meetings times/days at this point. Not to mention I need to watch my pennies. So 15.00 a week vs 20.00 a month, I am going to give this online a whirl.

I joined YESTERDAY. An unlike other times (aside for this time it’s online), I’m nothing changing anything about my intake until I return from my trip next week. I’m simply going to eat as normal as I’ve been and track all the way.

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So I’m going to enjoy my time with my sailor, drink bloody mary’s and margerita’s and eat what ever I choose to between Friday & Tuesday.

I will say I like the online WW App….much easier tracking and I enjoy the full online access. Very nice.

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Taking a Mini~Break

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Since I’m working during the week, taking care of my dad. I’ve completely and utterly let nearly all aspect of myself go.

All my clothes are way snug.  I haven’t ran in weeks since I got hit with some nasty lung gunk.  I’ve not even really worked out except for my Irish Dance which I find more frustrating than I enjoy these days. Maybe if instruction was taught and worked on I would understand it. It’s a run through, quick show you and go x 100 speed. I’m not feeling it. I love it but definitely don’t feel I am being taught, just trying to catch up. And that is pissing me off.

I leave to see my Navy Sailor in TX on Friday and honestly I can’t get out of dodge soon enough. I need to dust myself off and come back with a new mindset. That means letting this week go.

I’m skipping Irish Dance because the last few times I leave completely exhausted and pissed off because I don’t get it.  Instead I”m going to POLE on Thursday with a friend. Followed by jump and airplane to TX Friday morning.

I’m prepared to make adjustments to my schedule while i”m gone.  I know one thing. I miss running, as much as I hate to run, I miss the sweet success I feel at the end when I’ve finished. I miss the cool crisp air, being outside and clearing my head. I miss those things and need those things to separate the anger that is filling my soul.

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I will def join WW (weight Watchers) upon my return and make a weekly commitment to pole time with a friend as I am moving my pole to her house.  I would like to continue stiletto pole at the studio on Thursday to keep me in the loop and my soul fed.  I must make these 3 commitments no matter what. Before my waist gets to rock bottom.

I’ve been reading a lot on thighs, as this seems to be a problem area for me. Running is good, Irish dance not so. So i will run more and who knows what else. But something.  Something has to give and soon.

I miss my Sailor and I hope seeing him will help and I hope to come back with a new mindset and regimen.

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WOW….Irish Dance…

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I’m the first to admit I love anything new. I also love anything challenging, hard, difficult, impossible and fast. I like doing what I haven’t done, didn’t think I could to and never imagined doing.  Irish Dance is right up there with POLE Dance for me. It’s so rewarding and frustrating at times. The perfect concoction for my soul.

Last year my friend Georgia asked if I would be interested in a “GROUPON” for Timm Richens Irish Dance Academy. Initially, this wasn’t a jump to moment. In fact if it wasn’t for a cheap groupon and my friend, I never would have.  We started around November, I was HOOKED the first class. Actually before the first class. I walked in and a younger group was making LOUD dance noise with the hard shoes (jig shoes) like tap on crack.  I had taken tap as a kid and it was the ONLY class I liked. I loved the noise and the fast footwork.  I was sold right at the first class.  Unfortunately my friend was facing a knee replacement and had to quit.  A month later I had severe impingement due to my arthritis in my spine(neck this time) and probably brought on my my love for POLE dance class.  I had severe pain and then dropped out myself. I never forgot Irish dance and looked at my “Ugly Duckling” shoes often (practice shoes)

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I waited for the session to start up 2 weeks ago and started again!

Last night everyone broke out there “Hard Shoes” (jig shoes) and I was in total “drool” state and also sad I didn’t have my own jig shoes.  This is where my heart pitter patters at the fast paced, noise and STOMP that really only Irish Dance brings to the world of dance. It’s magical, and pure delight.

Today, I ordered my first hard shoes and should have them by next weeks class!!! I’m so excited!

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These are not cheap and still not as pretty and seductive as my beloved dance stilettos but they make NOISE and they have a charisma and draw that no other dance has presented me in my life outside of my tap dance at 10 years old.

If your looking for a challenge,fast fun moves, looking for fun friendly woman with passion of the dance, then this is something you may want to try! You can jump in anytime of the year, it’s never to late!

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What the HELL just happened?

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This is how I felt after my run.  But I’ll get to that at the end of this.

I love the app Couch to 5K. It truly is a fantastic app, and nearly completely dummy proof.  Every week has been the same the 3 days a week you do this app. UNTIL week 5.

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Week 5 Day 1: 5 min warm up. Jog 5 min, Walk 3 min. Do this 3 times

Week 5 Day 2:  5 min warm up. Jog 8 min, Walk 5 min. Do this 2 times

Week 5 Day 3: 5 min warm up. Job 20 minutes (or 2 miles)

I can’t believe how much week 5 jumped, especially between day 2 and day 3. And than week 6 really throws a curve ball.

Week 6 Day 1; 5 min warm up Jog 8 min walk for 3, jog for 5, walk for 3, Jog for 8min

Week 6 Day 2: Jog 10 min, walk 3 min, jog 10 min

Soooo….what the hell happens at Week 5, Day 3? Is the Couch to 5K people weeding out the weak, seeing who says “To hell with this, I quit”? I just don’t get it and honestly don’t see me running 20 solid minutes.  I tell myself that it really is only about 5.5 songs right? I mean, I can jog for 5 songs.  Can’t I? Honestly I am not sure.  I guess I’ll find out soon.

I’ve noticed after a workout run that I can’t breath well. My lungs feel as if they are filled with cotten, very heavy, like a car is ontop of my chest and I can’t get a full breath. I start coughing and don’t know why, I don’t produce anything and I feel like I’m wheezing.  Last week I was told I had bronchitis, but I’m not (don’t feel) sick.  I’m wondering if there is more going on and with a family thickly laced with asthma I’m not to confident.  I will def squeeze a dr visit in this week.

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I truly have reached the end of my comfort zone today. the last 8 minutes was pretty tough and I wish I could find a hiking area to run on flat ground with out any stupid steep hills or inclines. I really am starting to hate hills, even downward ones.  I have tried thinking and thinking of flat grounds and the only one I can think of is John Bryan State Park and that’s not very close to me. Maybe a good place to visit once in awhile to run but not a weekly thing. Maybe I’ll have to make that drive, if nothing else change scenery for my dreaded 20 min “jog”

My goal this week is to do some POLE dance(wednesday) fun and practice my irish 7s before practice tuesday. I am not sure when I will do my dreaded 20.  I need to just get it over with.

5 minutes to death TIMES 3 & Epiphany

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This morning was the first morning I actually looked forward to running.  I was starting Week 5, Day 1.

Warm up 5 min walk.  5 min jog, 3 min walk x3.

Now where I run there is only 1 good steep semi gradual incline.  You really can’t avoid it if you want to make a loop. And with this Couch2 5 K app it changes weekly so by the time I get my hill out of the run side, it switches.

I started the 5 min jog and really debated which trail to take due to which hill I was in the mood for. Steep or Gradual.  I actually turned around in the 1 min jog and hit my typical gradual trail.  That taste was building in my mouth, tastes like blood/metallic (http://www.outsideonline.com/1785581/why-do-i-get-metallic-taste-my-mouth-during-intense-exercise). Then it happened…the rock tripped me and forward I fell my shin taking the beating of the rock and my hands catching me. I laid there and wanted to scream, I wanted to quit, this fucking hurt.

I got up and turned around and ran. The metallic taste filling my mouth my leg throbbing.  I was ready to call it a day and had a minute left to jog on the first cycle. I was doomed.  I really figured I would run to car and just leave and try again another day.  Instead of running to the car to leave, I ran to get my bottle of water.  I need a waste belt to hold water. I can’t stand carrying things but desperately need water when I run. I should have taken a hit of my inhaler, my lungs felt wheezy from the diagnosed bronchitis (which does’t feel like bronchitis at all, and I need to see dr about possible allergy induced asthma or such)

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I’m taking a DBT class, Dialectical Behavior Therapy Class. In order to take this class free of charge you must commit to 24 weeks and see a Therapist a minimum of 1 a month.

I’ve been going a few weeks and have saw a therapist 3 times.  I think she may be the most insightful wise person ever.

Not long ago I heard this quote that has stuck with me….

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it is from my FAVORITE MOVIE….Be Wild.

Now everyone’s can be different.  Nobody’s will likely be the same.  And this quote struck me deeply yet I wasn’t sure WHAT my power was and what my wounds came from. I could feel it, but not put my finger on it.  As much as I thought of it I didn’t know where my source of power came.

My therapist asked me how I knew my parents loved me, how I knew they were proud of me. What did I do to gain that. We all do as kids.  I really wasn’t sure. I didn’t know. I didn’t come from a verbally loving family or huggy family. But I knew I was loved and deeply. I never questioned that. I told her I gained approval from things such as my competitive swimming, good grades, doing good, helping others and accomplishing things.

There are things, and people in my life that while seem to be a deep passionate love, also are such a source of pain.  And she told me, “You love the challenge”. Now it didn’t come from this one particular conversation but 3 sessions about me.  I am bored easily.  I love challenge, I like to do things I can’t do or new things. I like to push the boundaries of people, things and events.  I love accomplishment.  Ellen said…..”you thrive and love challenges” This is why “that person” or “This person” or “this situation” draws you back, OVER AND OVER.  You don’t back down from a challenge.  You go after them. Now the problem is a problem when you can’t “CHANGE” a person, a situation to your own liking. It may be a relationship your in, a activity.  And while there may be great accomplishment and satisfaction in taking a challenge and completing it. It can also bury you 6ft deep. And that is me.

So at 3 am two nights ago, it hit me.  I deny my wounds, of hurt, feeling second best, not good enough, not wothy, not desired, not wanted, not accomplished. Not because of how people are to me, but my challenge with them and situations to go MY WAY.  And sometimes, SOMETIMES, you need to know that not EVERY CHALLENGE is one you must take on.  Some in fact you need to walk away from and accept that challenge is not for you?  That’s hard.  Especially when your heart and soul is invested. To close that door and LET GO, to not accept or engage that challenge.  Because you will not win every challenge and some challenges are not even about winning, but losing can be wicked and put you in a tailspin. To recognize which one to face and which one to walk from.

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Ellen suggested in order to back away, walk away from existing challenges that are negative that I need to fill them with new challenges that have no strings, such as a new hobby, a new workout, a job.

I’m still adjusting to learning after 42 where my source of power comes from and accepting they are the cause of my wounds. I love a good deep CHALLENGE. That is my source, that is the source of power and the wounds it causes.

Well, I can try this

My first memories of when I thought I was fat go back pretty far.  About this picture.

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I was about 9. I remember thinking that my knee was fat when I rested my hand there and I hated that pose.  I guess it shows right?

I remember every picture after that I found something I didn’t like about myself.

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This one, I’m 14.  All slim, trim and muscular. I had been a competitive swimmer since I was 5. Swam summer times and YMCA throughout the remainder of the year and even through high school.

So I suppose my imagine has always been ravished by my mind in putting myself down.

I’m past the point in my life that I’m trying to prove myself to other people. I’ve dance on rock bottom and looked so far up that there was no light. I’ve crawled my way to the top and I’ve been down that shit hole again.  I have to many health issues to sweat over what people think. For once in my life I’d like to by happy with what I THINK. And for me that is being active. When I am active, I am happy. But chronic pain is part of my life, has been for years and it seems to be quite a roadblock with fitness.

So I hope if your plagued with pain, whether it be Arthritis, Fibromyalgia or what not, your not alone.